the vacation
Lately in my groups, the topic of catastrophizing or obsessing about the future has come up. We are collectively tending to do it -
about the state of the world,
about our children,
about what we might be doing or not doing to ensure optimum results in life
- in a way that is not...fun.
We want to stop doing this but are having a hard time dropping the habit. It has become our state of being - the low, steady background thrum of threat and our bracing for what's next.
I will give you a personal example along with a possible strategy for moving out of this difficult state:
Though I can certainly do it about the world or my kids, my 'favorite' territory for self-haunting is around my health.
I was talking to my therapist about this - the way I feel tortured, sometimes, by fear. The way it takes over my body. She asked me to imagine this fear taking form in my mind: It was me, but I was younger, maybe 19. She/me was really quiet. She was dressed in navy blue, and her hair was lank. She wore a headband. She was very serious. She sat in a corner with a clipboard taking notes about all the things that could happen that were bad. She was certain I wouldn't make it much longer. My therapist cued me to ask her what she wanted. She wanted to protect me! She cued me to tell her that I understood. Okay, she said. And then ask her if she could give me a break for a little bit. Would she like a vacation? She said yes, but just for two days. I took the deal.
That was about three weeks ago. Things have not been perfect since then by any stretch, but those two days allowed time and space for my nervous system to re-regulate. My body got to remember a baseline feeling of ease. The threat thrum shut off and the silence, temporary though it might be, is lovely.
This is getting quite long, so I'll stop here and give you a TLDR recap:
- Not Your Fault: When life feels scary or overwhelming, worry and fear can feel protective, and can become a habit. Don't be mad at yourself. It's all coming from a place of love - for yourself, for your life, for your kids, for this world. You just want it to be okay because you love it. Because it matters.
- Threat State: This habit, initially created to "keep you safe," can get extremely uncomfortable, physically, emotionally and cognitively. You feel tight or sad or full of dread. You can't be still. Or you can't move. This can and will change, as all things do.
- Parts: One way to step out of the habit is to see the fear as a part, rather than all of you. If it works for you, you can imagine that part as an entity in your mind and have a conversation with it. What is the favorite part wearing? Does she have bad hair like mine? If that doesn't work for you, you can simply say "this part of me feels..." or "I'm having the thought that..." and give yourself your Capital S Self a little space from your fear self.
- Vacation: Make a deal. Give your fear self a vacation. Just get her to agree to a little time off. She can come back and do her thing at some point, but maybe she just needs permission to rest. One hour off. Whatever she'll agree to. In other words - you don't have to quit your worry habit cold turkey. Just see what life is like without it for a bit.
- Just for Today: I was telling my very wise friend Melanie about all of this collective catastrophizing, and she offered her perspective. She dealt with a tremendous amount of uncertainty after the birth of one of her children. While she was deepest in the throes of it, she went day by day. If you can't fathom next year - if it brings up so much fear that you can't stop spinning - don't try to. Try for today. Or tomorrow. Buddhists will tell you even that's too much! Just do now.
-Now you are Free(er): Maybe you or someone you love does need help - there may be a very real threat that needs to be addressed. The strategies listed above are not meant to say we ignore those issues. Without the fear, we have more clarity and freedom to really, truly be of service.
