what brings you back here?
So this is likely TMI, but I had some terrible stomach pains last night. For me, any sort of physical discomfort sends a cascade of stress hormones through my body and doomsday thoughts through my brain. Then I get really mad at myself for having this response (20 years of therapy and STILL!? THIS!?) and then my body and brain further bristle against the self-attack. It's pretty unpleasant.
Anyway, it was 1 am and I was kind of locked into this physiological punishment reactivity cycle. I was UNTIL I suddenly, without thinking too much about it, just DID something. That something was getting up out of my bed, walking down to the living room, and doing this 10 minute video of exercises that help you with stomach issues (you're welcome for the recommendation, fellow indigestion sufferers).
Somehow, that combo of rolling around on the floor, doing some twists, shaking it out, and then receiving a hilarious visit from my sleepwalking 11-year-old, broke me out of the earlier stress cycle.
Prentis Hemphill (yes, I'm obsessed with this writer and will continue to quote and recommend their latest book, What it Takes to Heal) writes that "reactivity is the mechanism of time travel...taking us, though not consciously, out of this time. The more we are jolted into reactivity, the more we lose our grounding in the present moment as we respond to the vestiges of the past. This loss of presence is a loss of agency."
It makes sense that my stress cascade of reactivity has much to do with the past. Two cancer diagnoses in three years, sick parents, the ancestral health anxiety of my people...enough said.
The question then becomes, what brings us back to here and now? How do we restore our agency?
Perhaps it's just in doing something. Allowing ourselves to feel what is present, in our hearts and bodies, and then acting in some way that allows those feelings to be witnessed and moved through. Like crying or yelling or laughing or doing some yoga-for-gas moves at 1 am. I don't know for sure. I do know that it's NOT something that occurs inside our thinking minds.
Sorry this was a long one! If you're still with me, I am curious to know...What takes you away? When does your reactivity time travel mode get activated? And what brings you home to here and now?
