beam me down, scotty

My son is now TWELVE. Due to his preteen behavior, I have been regarding him as a somewhat of an alien lifeform, who is both threatening to me and in danger from the other earthlings. I'm trying, unskillfully and invasively, to understand him and cure him of his alienness, restoring him to his original human lifeform. I'm trying to save him, to protect him. I'm trying to protect myself from him.

The idiocy and futility of these quests have sent me rocketing out of the atmosphere as well. I've time travelled. I'm twelve too now. I feel really, really uncomfortable. My body is wrong, my hair is wrong, my thoughts are wrong, my words are stuck. I'm really freaked out by my emotions.

So... beam me down, Scotty! I want to be back on earth, in the present!

If you, like me, have been catapulted into otherworldly territory by your child's words/ actions/ phase in life/ breathing pattern, here are my top three tools for getting home:

1) Information gathering: Information is helpful and normalizing. Maybe this is the first time I've ever parented a 12-year-old boy with ADHD, but it's not the first time it's ever been done. There are resources out there - podcasts, books, friends - that can provide context and assistance. I don't have to be alone in this.

2) Inner child stuff: I know, ick. But it's helpful. I can ask myself, What was going on for me when I was twelve? Was it a particularly happy period or was it particularly fraught? How would my parents have responded to me if/ when I behaved how my kid is behaving? Attempting to hold this with some amount of curiosity and compassion, allows me space to think and breath, rather than go into attack/ fix mode. The energy is: "It makes sense that I..." rather than "I'm such a complete asshole for..."

3) Less probing, more observing: Do aliens like to be probed? Well, I've never spoken to one, but I imagine not. All life forms crave belonging and understanding, and nothing makes one feel more different and wrong than being put under a microscope. If we really want to connect to and have peace with our little aliens, we must approach them like a skilled anthropologist, with a quiet, non-threatening, non-anxious presence. (Cultivating that type of presence is a whole other beast, but we'll save that for another time).

Has something your kid is doing sent you on a time warp? Where are you? Might any of these tools help you come back?